Category: Joke Board
> Dear Alcohol,
> First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As
> my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect gift,
> post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the
> holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in
> the midst of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been
> wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
> my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
> unwise consequences:
>
> 1. Phone Calls:
>
> While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the
> suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance
> or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I
> know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let
> alone all hours of the night.
>
> 2. Eating:
>
> Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a
> taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale
> chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few
> cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think
> you went too far this time.
>
> 3. Clumsiness:
>
> Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
> improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing
> me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
> marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
> Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
> front door key into the lock.
>
> 4. Furthermore:
>
> The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a
> little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order.
> But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
> entire day is shot.
> I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,
> bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face
> down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The
> hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
>
> Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would
> like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker
> of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
> companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
> pockets.
>
> In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
> my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an
> answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible
> solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
> Thank you,
> Your Biggest Fan
>
> P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below
> that I think may be of some interest to you.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
> 1. Innovative
> 2. Preliminary
> 3. Proliferation
> 4. Cinnamon
>
> THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>
> 1. Specificity
> 2. British Constitution
> 3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
>
> THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
> 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
> 2. Nope, no more beer for me.
> 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
> 4. Good evening, officer. Isn 't it lovely out tonight?
> 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
lol. that's good....and original